Cycle of Abuse

It is important to understand the cyclical nature of domestic violence, often referred to as the cycle of abuse. One of the characteristics of abuse is its tendency to produce behaviors and responses that sustain and escalate the abuse. This cycle of abuse is not necessarily a learned behavior, but is a relationship dynamic between two people. There are three main phases to the abuse cycle: Tension Building, Physical Assault, and Honeymoon period.

Tension Building Stage

The tension building phase is when the tension begins to rise and one partner can sense that the other is edgy and more prone to react in a negative fashion to frustration. There can be small events of violence that are quickly covered. For example, the batterer may lash out for some real or imagined wrongdoing and quickly apologize or become docile again. The abused learn to catch the small outbursts and attempt to calm down the batterer through the use of techniques that have met with previous success. The abused may become nurturing, compliant and anticipate his/her every whim; or, he/she may stay out the batterer's way. The abused partner believes that the abusive behavior is legitimately directed towards them. The abused believe that if they do accept responsibility, then they can prevent the anger from escalating. If the violence is avoided, then the incident will be over; if not, then the abused accept responsibility for their partners actions. In order for the abused to maintain this role, they cannot allow themselves to become angry with the batterer. They reason that perhaps they did deserve the abuse and often identify with the batterer's faulty reasoning. This works for a while to postpone the second phase, or physical assault phase.

Those who have been battered over a period of time know that these minor battering incidents will get worse. However, as a coping device, they deny this knowledge. They also deny the terror of the second phase by attempting to believe that have some control over the batterer's behavior. During the initial stages of the first phase, they do have some limited control. As the tension builds, they rapidly lose this control. Each time a minor battering incident occurs there are residual tension building effects. The anger of the abused steadily increases even though they may not recognize or express it. The batterer is aware of the inappropriateness of their behavior even if they do not acknowledge it. The batterer may become fearful that their partner may leave. The abused partner reinforces the fear becoming further withdrawn from the batterer in hopes of not setting off the impending explosion. The batterer becomes more oppressive, jealous, and possessive in the hopes the brutality and threats will keep the partner captive. And often, it does.

As the batterer and abused sense the escalating tension it becomes more difficult for their coping mechanisms to continue to work. Each becomes more frantic. The batterer increases their possessive smothering and brutality. Psychological humiliation becomes more barbed and battering incidents become more frequent and last longer. The abused cannot restore equilibrium. They are less able to defend themselves psychologically against the pain and hurt. The abused withdraw even further from the batterer, which causes the batterer to become even more oppressive. There is a point at the end of the tension building phase where the process ceases to respond to any controls. Once this point is reached, the next phase, the physical assault phase, will occur. Sometimes, the abused cannot bear the tension any longer. They know the explosion is inevitable but do not know how or when it will occur. Often they will provoke an incident, not in order to be hurt, but knowing that they will be abused, elect to get it over with. The abused reason that if they can name the time and place of the explosion, they will have retained some controls. They also know that once phase two is over, the batterer will move into the third phase of calm, loving behavior. The reward is not the beating, but a kind, loving partner for even a short period of time.

Physical Assault

During phase two the batterer fully accepts the fact that their rage is out of control. The battering in this phase may start out with batterer justifying their behavior to themselves; however, it usually ends up with them not understanding what has happened. In their blind rage, they want to teach their partner a lesson and don't particularly want to inflict injury. The attack stops when the batterer feels the lesson has been learned. Most victims report that to fight back in a phase two incident is only to invite more serious violence. Many of the victims who have dammed up their anger during phase one feel safe letting it out during the second phase, because they know that they will be beaten anyway. Phase two is the most violent of the cycles. It is also the shortest. Since only the batterer can stop the violence in this phase, the greatest need of the abused is to hide. Why the batterer stops is unclear; the incidents often are not grounded in reason. It is not uncommon for the batterer to wake their partner from a deep sleep to begin the assault. Although most victims are severely beaten by the time phase two is over, they are usually grateful for its end. They consider themselves lucky it was not worse, no matter how serious the injuries. They often deny the seriousness of their injuries and refuse to seek immediate medical treatment. Sometimes this is done to appease the batterer and make certain phase two really is finished and temporarily stopped.

Honeymoon Period

The end of phase two and the movement into phase three is welcomed by both parties. Just as brutality is associated with phase two, the third phase is characterized by extremely loving, kind and contrite behavior. The batterer is genuinely sorry for what they have done, even if they don't say so outright, and tries with the same sense of overkill seen in the previous phases to make it up to their partner. The batterer's worst fear is that their partner will leave, and the batterer becomes charming enough to attempt everything to make sure this doesn't happen. The batterer believes they can control themselves and never again hurt the one they love. The batterer manages to convince all concerned that this time they mean it; they will give up drinking, dating others, visiting their mother, reduce the job workload, or whatever else affects the batterer's internal anxiety state. The batterer's sincerity is believable. The abused wants to believe that they will no longer suffer abuse. The batterer's reasonableness supports the abused persons belief that the batterer can really change, just as their loving behavior has during this phase. The abused convince themselves that the batterer can do what they say they will do. It is during this phase that the abused gets a glimpse of their original dream of how wonderful love is. This often is the reinforcement for staying in the relationship. The abused often believes in the traditional notion that people who really love each other will overcome all kinds of odds against them. The abused chooses to believe that the behavior seen during phase three reveals what their partner is really like. The "good" side of the batterer's dual personality is identified with the one they love. The "bad" or brutal side, they believe, will disappear.

The rewards of marriage or an intimate relationship occur during phase three, and this is the hardest time for the abused to make a decision to leave. When the abused resist leaving the relationship and argue that they really love the batterer, their base of reference is the current loving phase rather than the previous painful one. The abused hopes that if the other two phases can be eliminated, the battering behavior will cease and the idealized relationship will magically remain. If the abused has already been through several cycles, the thought that they have traded psychological and physical safety for this temporary dream state adds to their own self-hatred and embarrassment. The abused's self-image shrinks as they cope with the awareness that they are selling themselves for a few moments of phase three kind of loving.

The length of time that this phase lasts is unknown. It might be longer than phase two but shorter than phase one. Some times it might be so brief that it is hard to detect. In other cases, there does not seem to be any distinct end, and before the abused knows it, the minor battering incidents and tensions begin to build again and the cycle begins anew.